Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
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A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
scrabbled eggs
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.