@CroweJam

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

- @CroweJam

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@THEDUTHCHESS

A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .

@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

@SequelsWeWant

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

@Lisabug74

I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.

@SondraDeeMe

ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!

JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.

ME: Again, with the judging.

@tchrquotes

It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.

@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

@clarkekant

Ask your doctor if an unnecessary over-prescribed medication so he can get kickbacks from a pharmaceutical company is right for you.

@T_Longstreth

[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]

“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”