[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.