[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
You Might Also Like
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Just parrot things
I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing