[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
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Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Europe. Made in Germany.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I don’t need a pair of underwear, I just need one clean underwear.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.