Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
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People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.