@david8hughes

[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.

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@SaltyCorpse

Once again I’ve managed to poke myself in the eye with my own finger like my eyes have not been in the same goddamn spot for forty five goddamn years.

@JElvisWeinstein

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

@Token_Geezer

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.nnThe word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

@splegge

Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys

@sfreeze6

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

@offbeatoliv

U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…

@atDevin

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

@OwensDamien

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

@chuuew

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.