[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
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Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
This bar smells like my childhood.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
BaD BoY!!
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.