@TheAndrewNadeau

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

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@TheCiscoKidder

I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.

@MyNameIsArchaic

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

@Nodine13

Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.

Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.

@TheSnideOne

What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”

@ColorMeScradd

MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

@AndyAsAdjective

Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake

@RobDenBleyker

Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”