I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Very slight chuckle*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.
Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.
Me: You’ve changed
What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”