[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human