@nayele18maybe
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
@TheAndrewNadeau
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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@nayele18maybe
@9GAG
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
@jergarl
Me: BABE HAVE YOU SEEN MY..
Wife: Fridge.
M: Shoe?
W: Fridge.
M: How did you..
W:*reads note* Dear sober me, fridge.
M:…
W: Idiot.
@david8hughes
I went to the movies with a girl last night. I paid for the tickets & the snacks, & anything else I can before she reports her card stolen.
@thatdutchperson
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
@OtherDanOBrien
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
@SentenceReduced
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
@RobElliottComic
Giraffes born in American Zoos are Giraffrican Americans
@JimmerThatisAll
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
@ItsAndyRyan
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
