@TheCiscoKidder
I swear I can hear Google sigh every time I start typing in their search bar.
@TheAndrewNadeau
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
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@TheCiscoKidder
@MyNameIsArchaic
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
@_HelenDale
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
@Sarcasticsapien
Sometimes I like to play God and just ignore everyone when they talk to me.
@Nodine13
Tell her you already got her gift, & ask her to try & guess.
Then go buy something she guessed. Shopping made easy.
@TheDeducers
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
@TheSnideOne
What I say: “Does anyone need anything from the store?” What I mean: “I’m off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you.”
@ColorMeScradd
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
@AndyAsAdjective
Tried to spoon my wife & she throat punched me
She said “Sorry I was dreaming of my judo class”
But she doesn’t take judo
Plus she was awake
@RobDenBleyker
Someone please help me with my pope resume, so far all I have is “I look fantastic in large hats.”