@TheAndrewNadeau

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

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@AndyAsAdjective

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?

ME: shape shifting

INTERVIEWER: is that so?

INTERVIEWER: yes

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

@ArfMeasures

Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that

@just1fool

I leave the window open at night hoping a drunk criminal will accidentally drop a bag of money inside while trying to break in.

@3sunzzz

[job interview]

-Describe yourself to me in one word.

-poor

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@TheHyyyype

jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

me (hates gossip): no

@Steelers1972

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].