[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
You Might Also Like
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
i love meeting boys on tinder
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.