*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

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getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house


professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what


I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)


Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.


Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?


I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard


My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.


I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.


Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.