@mommajessiec

*giving my sister parenting advice*

Me: So, you lift them like this.

Sister: Okay.

M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.

S: [picks up pillow]

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@nicolewboyce

getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house

@Browtweaten

professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism

me: I guess I don’t have a choice

professor: great job

me: what

@RickAaron

I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)

@RobDenBleyker

Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.

@KentWGraham

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

@Deno_Tron

I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard

@realHamOnWry

My apologies to Tom Cruise. I honestly thought that Scientologists dug up and studied old scientists.

@DadandBuried

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

@KnownComment

Getting kidnapped and taken to a private island where I’m hunted for sport by a wealthy psychopath wouldn’t even crack the top 3 worst relationships I’ve been a part of.