Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
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How all things should be taught/explained.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
If you love someone, let them sleep.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“OMGJK” -atheists
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.