Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
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To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
my boyfriend told me he would not love if I were a worm. Which wouldn’t bother me except for the fact that I didn’t ask
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.