Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
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The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Seems legit
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone