Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I hope the next Adam Sandler movie has a wacky grandpa who uses “bae” all the time so you guys will stop thinking its funny
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise