Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
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Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Congratulations on your gold medal in the conclusion jump.
Decided to plant some marijuana seeds in my vegetable garden hoping I could come up with some dope beets.
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
this dog sucks at driving