Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

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If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.


[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie


Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.


Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.


If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could’ve probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.


Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad


A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.


[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet


[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear


most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name