@TheAlexNevil

Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”

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@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

@trojansauce

[getting a haircut]
BARBER: anything else?
ME: cut me
BARBER: what? no
ME: like sweeney todd
BARBER: i’m no-
ME:make me into a pie

@Derpey

Why doesn’t Ed have a girlfriend?

Cause Sheeran.

@Darlainky

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

@TuffyNyC

If they took all the money spent on making Godzilla movies, they could’ve probably just made an actual Godzilla by now.

@lovemyboots111

Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad

@jenstatsky

A frittata is just an omelette that studied abroad for a year in college.

@Chumpstring

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

@TheToddWilliams

[office party, 1842]
Ralph Waldo Emerson: The only gift is a portion of thyself
Me: Look Ralph, the rules to Secret Santa were very clear

@mo87mo87

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name