*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

You Might Also Like


Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.


I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.


Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.


Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.


imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you


It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.


The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.


After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.