@LeBearGirdle

*Giving TED talk*

Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!

*he does and a mousetrap snaps*

Me: trust no one

*audience claps*

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@envydatropic

Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.

@skittle624

I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.

@stanfordhoward_

Drunk people:
We accidentally made a baby.

High people:
We accidentally made a pizza.

@Furry_Beaver

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

@torahhorse

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@BackrowSeats

The get rich or die trying philosophy on life is going terribly one sided for me.

@sagarcasm

After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.