@sparticus_af

[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night

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@iwearaonesie

me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them

@TheAlexNevil

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

@Dr_awfulpants

If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet

@causticbob

Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

@ellentee

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

@ParentEsq

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.