[giving tinder girl the tour of my apartment] i caught a Pokémon right here last night

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me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them


Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested


If your boss says “Correct me if I’m wrong but aren’t you supposed to be in at 8am?” don’t correct them. Its a trap. They hate being wrong.


ME: Raising two kids on my own has been a real struggle.
WIFE: I’m only gone for two days.
ME: They call me momdad now, which is bittersweet


Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.


WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.


Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”


You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.


Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.