[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
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So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
As the Lord intended
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!