@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

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@imteddybless

my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”

@Mike_Bianchi

To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.

@mattytalks

Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend

@HavocMantis

*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”

@dumbbeezie

The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story