“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
I don’t trust anyone with a beard, especially a woman
“I’m not good at goodbyes.” I am. See ya.
“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
COP: lets get taco bell
COP: text ur ex
COP: ok ur good