@hazelmotes1

Giving your kid a recorder and telling him to go home and practice is how teachers get revenge on society for paying them so poorly.

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@ItsAndyRyan

“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”

@junejuly12

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

@Mostly_Cheese

If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”

@SteveSuckington

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

@briangaar

If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”

@Prof_Hinkley

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

@Sickayduh

“Dad, how come we use plastic forks and my friends all have silverware?”
– Because they’re poor and have to reuse everything.
“Pfft losers”

@bobvulfov

COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good