@shutupmikeginn: Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
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@LoveNLunchmeat: Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
@jellybnbonanza: [husband opening refrigerator] Me: “What are you looking for?” Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
@BrandonVine: *pulled over by cop* Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired? *tags cop* Me: You're it! Cop: Me running away: Renewed!