Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
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My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
my 8 year old daughter emails me a lot while I’m at work
Sorry I asked “why?” when you told me your baby’s name.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship