@shutupmikeginn

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

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@mejustbeth

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@Chyld

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

@Bluestmoon_

Sorry I asked “why?” when you told me your baby’s name.

@panmidwest

[interview to be a valet]

me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker

interviewer: you’re hired

@not_delicate

I convinced my husband to start going to the gym, and now he’s all in shape and looking hot!!
So… any takers?

@AmishPornStar1

Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.

Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?

@brendohare

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

@deankarrier

As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship