Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.