Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
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I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.