@Brianhopecomedy

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

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@iscoff

*draws a tarot card* Ah, the guy with too many swords. This card means you need to have less swords

@Marlebean

At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?

@Try2StopME

I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.

@TheAlexNevil

Him: What’s that, Boy? Timmy fell down the well?
Lassie: Well I said “reservoir,” but if you need it dumbed down for you, sure.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@badboychadhoy

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

@Parkerlawyer

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.