Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
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“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA
*catches bus to get home