@WilliamAder

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

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@Staggfilms

“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”

– Garfield of Dreams

@Hobo_Splendido

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

@skickwriter

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

@fro_vo

[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane

@KKAlThani

Don’t judge if you don’t know me. Unless you’re making my pizza & you say “This guy looks like he wants extra cheese” then please do.

@JohnLyonTweets

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

@KeetPotato

guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”

@skittle624

Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”

@QueenofSparta

OMG THE POWER I HAVE ON TWITTER IS INSANE MWUAHAHAHAHA

*catches bus to get home