Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
So, can we agree on 4 or
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.