My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
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Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Reloading my bong
Cat: You really need it?
Me: I know my limits, why?
Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
Me: Someone broke into the business next door last night.
Coworker: Wasn’t the building alarmed?
Me: Buildings don’t get scared.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.