@nonchalantnacho

Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.

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@shariv67

When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”

@Sophie2078

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

@InkedUpKidder

Saturday in my 20’s: “Nice, this club is hot! gimme a Vodka tonic!”

Tonight: “Nice, grocery store is empty, ooh I got coupon for that !!”

@crunchenhancer

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

@iwearaonesie

9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?

@Amburglar_

If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.

@bazecraze

“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.

@mydmac

*pushes vending machine over

NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!

@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.