Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
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The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Guantanamo Bae
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.