@tomrrllc

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

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@TheBoydP

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

@Darlainky

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

@Brampersandon_

[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that

@ImJESSPlayin

Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.

Flirting is hard

@PaperWash

Noah build an ark

“what? why”

I’m gunna flood the earth

“just give me fish powers”

[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!

@Buffalojilll

[Losing my virginity]

Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?

@Shade510

Shank you.

– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery

@SconesMortensen

“You a cop?”

UNDERCOVER COP: No.

“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”

UC: *sweats profusely*

@POTerritory

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb