“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
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Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
Maybe, “only if you’re taking me to dinner” wasn’t the best response to, “is this going down?” to the guy on the elevator.
Flirting is hard
Noah build an ark
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
“You a cop?”
UNDERCOVER COP: No.
“So you wouldn’t mind if I … threw these donuts away?”
UC: *sweats profusely*
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb