I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
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Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.