@desukidesu

gladiator sadiator

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@fakeadultmom

My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.

@WhatevaConc

Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!

Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.

@chagger73

It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.

Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”

@mommajessiec

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

@oxygenplug

[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here

@trojansauce

ME: *vaping*

FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?

ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope

@causticbob

Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,

“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”

@DRUNKHULK

THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’