My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
You Might Also Like
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.
Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
FRIEND: is that just a fountain pen?
ME: *ink all over my teeth* nope
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
THEY SAY CHRIS BROWN GOT WORST TATTOO EVER! NO AGREE! DRUNK HULK THINK TATTOO GOT WORST PERSON EVER!
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’