@theshantilly

*glamorously folds laundry

*seductively wipes off countertops

*slowly bends over to pick up toys

*sexily trips over the cat…

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@bourgeoisalien

Fun prank: tell your kid World War II ended by the Americans dropping an F-bomb on Japan. Then later when his teacher calls, act shocked.

@ADHDeanASL

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

@sixthformpoet

I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.

@patnspankme

Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.

@Carbosly

Baby showers are so weird.

It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.

@astutenewf

Whenever I’m behind a college girl in starbucks she has to order a triple mocha dark chocolate raspberry ugg boot white iphone 5 spice latte

@Discourt

As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….

@JenAshleyWright

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.