*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long