[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]

Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.

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id be so offended if a group of ppl just rolled through my room on safari rn as im lounging in bed and just pointed at me and took pictures


I am not a ride or die chick.
I have questions. Where we going? Will there be food? Why do I have to die? Why didn’t you like my last pic?..


Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.


Roses are red. Monsters are green. Just look in the mirror. You’ll know what I mean.


The Elm Street Daycare Centre has a strict “no naptime” policy.


“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter


When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them


[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks


Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?

5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”