[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
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Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
There’s a sign in this bathroom that asks us not to flush anything but toilet paper down the toilet & now I’m unsure how to proceed.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.