*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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Being rude underwater is snarkeling
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
You wish you had this many chins.
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Her: I can’t believe I just peed in a McDonalds parking lot!
Me: Stick with me sweetheart, the entire world will be your toilet…
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.