They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
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my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?
I always wanted to save a princess.
No weirdos please
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?