@Gupton68

*gloating* I just broke the internet

Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.

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@karanbirtinna

They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.

@thelateinnings

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

@heyitsJudeD

Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician

*Later*

My dad: so what do you do?

Him: I get paid to lie to people

@TheToddWilliams

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

@OohSnapItsChris

Anyone want to volunteer to dress up as a dragon for me and kidnap my girlfriend?

I always wanted to save a princess.

No weirdos please

@rivetingbonmots

There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.

@squirrel74wkgn

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

@3sunzzz

Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.

@SamGrittner

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

@LuvPug

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?