Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
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Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
throwback to when the car insurance lady asked my mom for front, rear, & side views but she didn’t get the memo..
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it