glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
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who wore it better?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*