*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”