So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil