Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

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I stopped my pig from eating a penny.

I don’t know why.

I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.


Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.

Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.


[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299


accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on


therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no


8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.

Me: Sounds pretty legit.


We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-

“Please stop narrating everything.”


Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.


Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”