Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.