Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
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If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.
Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Wife: Where are the kids?
Me *turns off router*
[from down the hallway]
Me: They’re in their rooms.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
can’t believe I got front row seats
*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.