@birbigs

Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.

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@KevinHart4real

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

@neiltyson

If Bears ruled the world, I wonder if they would care whether or not the Humans they mauled were free-range.

@jus4golf

Helping a few people complete their bucket list so they will just die already.

@Reverend_Scott

My favorite oxymorons:

1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.

@TheMichaelRock

Wife: Where are the kids?

Me *turns off router*

[from down the hallway]

HEYYYYYYY!!!!

Me: They’re in their rooms.

@dubstep4dads

*counting sheep before bed* *jesus walks in your room* “I noticed there weren’t any black sheep. what’s up man. we gonna have a problem?”

@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@thagr8short1

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.