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My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Not😆🤣
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy