Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
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If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.