Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no


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Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints

Me: About the twerking?

Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else


Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.


This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.


ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.

GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills


Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.


While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.


If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.