Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
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Priest: *takes me aside* I’ve had complaints
Me: About the twerking?
Priest: Yes, about the twerking *rubs temple* Please just sing like everyone else
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
This hammock is the most relaxing thing I’ve ever had slingshot me point blank into the ground.
ME: the internet used to come in through the phone. It made a terrible noise, like robots screaming.
GRANDSON: hush grandpa take your pills
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
Contrary to popular belief, you can’t milk a chicken
If I die before I wake, please convince mom this twitter account is fake. Amen.