(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
Can u exhale for me?
Can u make kissy noises?
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
Instead of blocking your ex, become such a disaster online that everyone makes fun of your ex for dating you
me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this