GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
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[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
This will never not be funny 😭
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were