Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
You Might Also Like
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.