@TheAlexNevil

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

You Might Also Like

@PoshTick

gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it

@River_Niles

We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow

@heidi420x

Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid

@fuckthem00n

her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money

@FauxFawx

*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?

@Book_Krazy

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

@TweetPotato314

wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song

@caperbc75

Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”

@briancthayer

[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?