Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

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gf: house hunting is so boring

me: [unloading crossbow into wall] yeah there’s not much of a challenge to it


We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow


Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka

-Poem about the food pyramid


her: i like a man with ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon

her: professional ambitions

me: i am going to kill the moon, for money


*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?


*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*


wife: where’s the baby

me: in the cradle

wife: but where’s the cradle

me: on the treetop

[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]

me: I just thought of a song


Hulk Hogan walks into a tanning salon and drops a saddle on the counter. “Make me look like this brother!”


[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?