Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
ME: eat your veggies so you grow up big and strong
SON: *looks me up and down* you didn’t eat your veggies, did you
ME: *under breath* damn, son
*bites zombie*
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
GOLFER: what r u thinkin
ME (caddying): honestly sometimes i wake up & am mad that im not dead
GOLFER: jesus. i meant what club should i use
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
#oldknees
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”