Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
She was rare, like a properly pronounced street name from a GPS
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
God making man in his image was the original selfie