Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.