Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
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11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Apparently “if you must draw your eyebrows on, please draw them evenly” was not the tip this waitress was expecting.
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
All is fair in drunk and war.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.