*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
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Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
Thrilling chase underway
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal