Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.

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“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.


I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…


Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?


Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad


I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.


her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows


Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.


ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?


ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker


At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.