Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@HiddenPinky

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

@Spaziotwat

I’m biased: I have four buttocks.

@LilSuzieV

I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@rebrafsim

Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad

@eeethanford

I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.

@novicefather

her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep

me: k

her: *wakes up with no eyebrows

@momjeansplease

Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.

3: Imma be a lamp.

Me: I’m done talking to you for now.

@FeelingEuphoric

ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?

STUDENT: um

ME: this is important

STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?

ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker

@threetimedaddy

At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.