“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Go ahead and knock food that contains GMOs in the meantime this hotdog just started my car.
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I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I swear I’m about to be productive. Any minute now…
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.
her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep
her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.