Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@CornOnTheGoblin

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

@LanieLalaBugs

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

@bingowings14

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

@mrjohndarby

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.

@AmishPornStar1

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

@Jeffwni

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

@DemonsDreaming

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

@WhiskeySoured

If I ever say, “Do you want me to be honest?” Say no.

@BeckFlatley

I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.

@RoosterMustache

*emailing professor after exams*

it hAs been An Awesome And greAt yeAr thAnks for the AmAzing clAss you hAve tAught me A lot