Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
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“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello