Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
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This 4th of July, please remember…
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
Challenge accepted.
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally