“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
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Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!