“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
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If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
bury ourselves
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies