Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.