@LnL245

Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.

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@FredTaming

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

@ArtIsMyPorn

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

@kitkova

(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?

@Mr_Kapowski

shipwreck diary

day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn’t want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me

@Fred_Delicious

Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:

– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch

@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

@McGrumpenstein

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

@TheTweetOfGod

If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.

@GrantTanaka

Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.

@daemonic3

FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car

[hours later after date]

HER: It’s been 18 miles

ME: I insist

HER: But you drove both of us