dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
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If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
day 425: saw a ship and crew waved but didn’t want to look dumb and wave back if they were waving to someone behind me
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us